Oh baby, I'm made of Ice

Boyfriend and I broke up the other day. Well, actually, I shouted at him for being a controlling ass and never thinking I'm good enough, and he said "yell at me one more time, and I'm gone". So I shouted again. And he said "I told you if you yelled again, I'd leave you!", to which I replied "why are you still on the phone then?".

A valid question? Yes.

A way to save sick, and dying relationship? No, not really.

So Boyfriend is now Ex-Boyfriend.

I alternate between a numbness, pleasant acceptance and pure terror. I used to be very good at being alone. I used to be happier alone, actually. I found it peaceful, and I felt strong. Now, I feel like a homeless person. I have nowhere to go, no guidance, no direction. I gave him far too much control over me, and I'm floundering because of it. Fucking drowning in my solitude.

He called me a heartless bitch once. It kind of fits. I'm not terribly emotional. I mean, obviously I have emotions... but they don't pour out of me like they do some people. So when I say I feel terror, it's not a terror caused by losing Ex as a person. I didn't even really like him, let alone love him. It's caused, I think, by not having someone to fill that place. He was a place holder.

Maybe I don't have a heart? (He's not the first boy to accuse me of it, anyway)