Oh baby, I'm made of Ice

Boyfriend and I broke up the other day. Well, actually, I shouted at him for being a controlling ass and never thinking I'm good enough, and he said "yell at me one more time, and I'm gone". So I shouted again. And he said "I told you if you yelled again, I'd leave you!", to which I replied "why are you still on the phone then?".

A valid question? Yes.

A way to save sick, and dying relationship? No, not really.

So Boyfriend is now Ex-Boyfriend.

I alternate between a numbness, pleasant acceptance and pure terror. I used to be very good at being alone. I used to be happier alone, actually. I found it peaceful, and I felt strong. Now, I feel like a homeless person. I have nowhere to go, no guidance, no direction. I gave him far too much control over me, and I'm floundering because of it. Fucking drowning in my solitude.

He called me a heartless bitch once. It kind of fits. I'm not terribly emotional. I mean, obviously I have emotions... but they don't pour out of me like they do some people. So when I say I feel terror, it's not a terror caused by losing Ex as a person. I didn't even really like him, let alone love him. It's caused, I think, by not having someone to fill that place. He was a place holder.

Maybe I don't have a heart? (He's not the first boy to accuse me of it, anyway)

It's Thursday!

Look at that, it's Thursday. Tomorrow, Friday, I have my very first riding lesson with Horse.
And speaking of Horse, he turned 3 yesterday. THREE!! He's growing up so fast, my little man. I bought him when he was five days old. Horse was so small, and adorable. I could pick him up! Three longs years I've been waiting to ride Horse, and it's finally time. I'm so excited, I could pee. Horse has been gently started, wears his saddle like a pro and has excellent manners-- now for the riding!

Speaking of things that are exciting, I'm now picking a date for my visit to the Landmark Forum. I was supposed to go last October, but I had something more important to take care of that weekend (maybe I'll tell you later). So now I get to pick another weekend...
I could go in May (Vancouver), June (Vancouver) or July (Victoria). Boyfriend thinks the Forum is "stupid", and he doesn't want me to go to Victoria... mostly because the boy who was involved in the "something more important" lives there.

I'm not letting anything get to me today, cause tomorrow is going to rock.

Money Management

I went over to Honda today to make an appointment for my little Civic to get a check up, and instead I got a short lecture on money management from my Car Guy.

In short, instead of putting the 10% of my paycheck away, I need to out 50% away. My jaw dropped. Fifty freakin percent? Are you aware, I asked my dear Car Guy, that I only make $11 an hour? $880 a week, if I make my 40 hours before taxes? His reply was simply "make more money".

Thank you Captain Obvious!

I'll consider it, though. Perhaps being broke and having money in reserve is better then living paycheck to paycheck and spending willy-nilly? That way, in a few years, I could put the down payment on a house.

Or fuck off with my backpack and my passport.

Of course, I'm writing all this while I'm drooling over horse blankets on Greenhawk and eyeing my MasterCard...

Can you say hypocrite? I can.

My Sweet Escape

As if I needed more proof that my relative safety, hiding in plain sight, was the right choice.

Boyfriend spent the night with me. We went for a walk out to the beautiful point that overlooked the river. It's only April, so the world is still various shades of brown with snow here and there... but it was still wonderful. I love the outdoors. We brought home dinner, and I cooked while he drank. Why people drink Bud, I'll never understand. Anyway. This morning, while I'm getting ready to drag my ass to work (day 11 in a row), Boyfriend decides to snoop.

My room is truly a hovel, a little room covered from wall to wall with laundry, old bills and things even I'm not sure about. Needless to say, Boyfriend found no "dirt" on me. The night before, I'd had the foresight to dump a pile of clean laundry on top of my journal.

You might say we have trust issues.

Boyfriend checks my text messages, goes through my pictures, checks on me while I'm at work and seems to know where I am before I do. He'd love to get his mitts on my journal, I assume to "prove" I'm hiding things. And okay, so I'm hiding things. So I haven't told him "the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me god". I don't even believe in god. Hence the lowercase "g". I don't keep bad things from him. I just... bend the truth? He knows the basic, skeletal details of all the thinges I've done. I figure I do a pretty good job, keeping Boyfriend informed. He doesn't agree with me...

Hmmm.

I'm Invisible

I haven't kept a blog in a very long time. I do keep a diary, but I have been struggling with it. I feel so very exposed, writting in my journal. What if someone stumbled across it? It would obviously be MY journal, the thoughts and wishes and fears would obviously be MINE. Blogs, while more public, allow me to be anonymous. You can send your true self out into cyber space. And among the millions of other blog users, the millions of readers, you and I become just one of the masses. Maybe someone will read your thoughts. But more then likely, you will be simply and fully invisible. And invisibilty is always a super power I've fantasized about.

A short introduction is in order, I believe.
I'm 19. I work hard. Boyfriend and have been together on and off for almost two years. I keep my drug habit in check. I love the thrill of the chase; sex is good. My horse keeps me sane. Best Friend is a cunt, who knows all the answers and is starting to wear in my nerves. My car burns alot of oil, and is hardly large enough my myself and my saddle to fit into. I recently developed a slight obsession with my weight. I have a pair of blue shorts, size 11. I'm going to fit them very soon.
So, hello to you.